With David in the school of the shepherd's heart

Where did David learn to be a champion-- a giant slayer-- for Israel? Tending sheep! 1 Samuel 17:34-37

David knew to give his everything for even the smallest things.... which is why he was called upon of God to take down the big things. Typically, the sheep that get picked off by bears and wolves are those that are sick or old-- qualities that would render sheep less desirable or less important even in human eyes. But David didn't care... he would leave the 99 other sheep to go and fight for that one old, sick sheep of which others would so easily think: "ehh... it's not worth risking my time, energy, and life to save that one... I should choose my battles wisely. I should save my strength for more important things." To David, there was no holding back; no saving strength for another day; no task given him by his father (who was, in fact, prone to overlook his youngest son) that was unworthy; no sheep that was not important enough; no sheep that he did not love enough for him to risk life and limb to save.

How often do I pick my battles-- rank who in my life is "worthy" of time, attention, and intercession over others? Of course I must follow the leading of the Spirit when I pray, but how often do I think I have done enough praying when, in fact, there are so many whose needs I have simply deemed unimportant? Oh God, how many requests have fallen to my ears, only to go no further? If I cannot be trusted to pray and fast for the needs of the few people in my life now, how can I be trusted in the spiritual battles that come with the Spirit-led ministry to which I so aspire?

It's late... I should be sleeping... but I don't think I can turn off the lights and lay down with a clear conscience tonight before I write this down.

I just watched a trailer for the movie "Not Today." It's a Christian movie about a young man's journey to India and the subsequent events that get him involved in a family's involvement in child trafficking. Not the best plot summary ever, but that's not why I'm writing this. Obviously, the trailer made me want to watch the movie (which ended up being frustrating because according to moviefone, the closest theatre that will be showing this movie is in Texas.). But it also made me think about child trafficking and the suffering that is involved. Before you see "child trafficking" and get either more or less interested in the rest of this post, let me say now that it's NOT directly about child trafficking.

As I thought about all that child trafficking entails, I could find nothing in me to do but to pray. I looked at some of the organizations I've come across before that try to help this cause... I daydreamed a bit about what I could possibly do in the future about it... in the end, the only thing I could really do was pray. But even then, I couldn't help but ask, "God, what can I do? What can my prayers do? There are whole ministries out there, people who have given their lives to this cause, praying day and night? What can my one little prayer do?" It reminded me a bit of the Tenth Avenue North song, "Hold My Heart:"

One tear in a tropic rain,
one voice in a sea of pain,
could the Maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am.
Right now, I can barely stand
if You're everything You say You are,
won't You come close and hold my heart?

Maybe the context of the song is a little different, maybe not... I don't know. Still I wondered: whether it's by prayer or by ministry, how much can I do to make a dent in human suffering? There's so much pain EVERYWHERE. I don't have to go to India to see human suffering. I can take the subway for thirty minutes and see it. God, what can one person do?!

Yet I remember Jesus's words in John 14:12-14: "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in Me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in My name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in My name, and I will do it."

I can only imagine what the world would be like if Jesus came down today (and not as in Second Coming, but as in to come and minister as He did before). He could heal the sick. He could comfort the heartbroken. He could set things right in a way that would fit the Son of God. Yet He says that anyone who has faith in Him can do GREATER works than all those things! Oh God, is there anything in Your Word that is more challenging? If we have faith in Jesus Christ, we can do what He did AND MORE! God, where is that faith in my life? Why... why haven't we seen miracles? Why hasn't the faith arisen in us that can move mountains? Where is Your Spirit that fills us with boldness to witness to all the world? Where is Your presence that makes proud and boastful men fall on their faces and recognize their need of You? Where is Your power that heals the sick, the heartbroken, the demon-possessed, the mentally ill? Where are Your prayer warriors that can pray people out of prison, the dead back to life, the powerless to be filled?!

Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.... I don't have the boldness to witness. I don't have faith even close to the size of a mustard seed. I don't have the discipline and focus to wake up early and pray. I don't have self control to withstand temptation when it comes. I don't have Your love for those around me. I don't have a love for Your Word.... all I have is this desire to be put on the front lines of the army of Your kingdom. God forbid that I live a mediocre life, not walking in that crazy promise You gave us in John 14:12-14. This desire You've given me... please don't let it die. I can only imagine that there have been many people to whom you gave the same... and yet temptations and worries and comfort choked the plant as it grew. God, I am not above those people.... please don't let this die. And don't just let it remain a desire, but move it into action. Move it into a life that is completely set ablaze for You. Let this desire and passion spread to those around me, and when it does, let me not judge and compare and discourage, but lift those people up with all that I have in me.

Reader, I don't know who you are. But I ask that you pray for me. Even if you just remember me randomly one day years down the road, please pray for me. And if you've been at all moved by God in a similar desire, please let me know, and we will fight this fight together.

"Well done, good and faithful servant!"

Matthew 25: 21, 23

I really believe that it is not the man who has a perfect track record of ministry who will rejoice most profoundly at the sound of these words, but that it is the one who has had his fair share of failures as well. The man whose heart will truly leap with abounding joy when his Master approves of his work in ministry is the one who has faced humiliation and tests and failures and rock bottoms, and who knows that even his best service to God is good stewardship-- maybe a love offering at best.

And the awesome thing is that the Master's commendation does not waver or mitigate with the outcome! One servant yielded five talents of profit, the other two. Both are commended the same, because both gave everything they were given into service. It is unreserved devotion that will be recognized by God; indeed, God is the only one who can see and judge the heart for such commitment. Success in ministry-- whatever that means-- is a circumstantial byproduct that may vary. What must remain set apart to God is the heart.

Oh to hear those words on that day! To know that God sees clearly all of the times I've failed both outwardly and inwardly but saw through to a heart with which He is pleased. I hope and pray that God will shape and mold me so that that very heart will be found in me. For that God looks for something deeper is at once slightly relieving and deeply sobering; it means that I am held responsible for my heart-- something that is in my control (unlike, say, success in ministry) but is wicked above all things and all knowledge. It is my wellspring of life... have I guarded it?

If I need grace for one thing (besides salvation), it is this: to keep my heart and devotion set apart-- holy-- for God.

I've seen the topic of marriage come up sort of frequently lately. Now for someone of my age, I guess marriage is a little ways off-- even farther off if I take into consideration all I have to learn about life with God. I was thinking just now of the calling that every godly husband has to love his wife like Christ loves His church. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as if they were their ( the husbands') own bodies. For Christ loves His church, and the church is Christ's body. In light of this, no husband can ever lord it over his wife and cite Scripture on how wives are supposed to respect and submit to their husbands, for with all the weight of those passages, the directive for husbands to love their wives falls on the family as well. For every divinely commanded part of respect the wife is called to hold for her husband, there is an equal (if not greater, since, in this metaphor, husbands represent Christ) call for the man to love his wife.What a heavy thing I must ask myself when(/...if...?) I consider marriage: am I ready to love my prospective wife as Jesus loves His church-- painfully, sacrificially, irrationally, relentlessly, and unconditionally?

Of course, I will probably have no idea of how that will play out at the time. No, that lesson will most likely be a years long process that will entail trials and hardships... but the question still stands: am I ready? Am I ready to face those storms which are sure to come, and love my wife through them all? Am I ready to love and forgive and ask for forgiveness in the many times that I'm going to need to? Granted, the answers to these questions will probably be "no"... and if they are "yes," it's very likely either a dishonest or deluded answer =P But I should at least know what I'm getting myself into, and the things which I am asking God to teach me through whatever crucibles are necessary. The love that Jesus has for the Church is a radical one, and it is a reflection of that in which I am making a vow to partake.

More than simply "loving" one's wife as a vague sort of emotion, the role of a husband includes the attitude of servitude. Interestingly enough, the word "husband" also used to mean a peasant farmer. This led to the usage of "husbandry" as related to farming or gardening. I can imagine the connection between a gardener carefully looking after his plants and a husband charged with spiritually leading a household. The husband is a sort of spiritual leader, and all spiritual leaders begin in an attitude of servitude.

Yeah, I think it's gonna be a while before I get married =P

2 Corinthians 12:9

I woke up this Sunday morning feeling lousy. At first it was just nausea, but then I began to feel cold, and afterwards achy. It was a miserable time to feel sick, since I was going to play the guitar for worship and also preach. I sat down in my room in the darkness with the intention to pray, but I couldn't find the words; keeping myself from shivering and vomiting felt like enough of a task to focus on. All I could come up with to say was "God, help me." I felt incredibly empty and spiritually barren... I wondered if God were even real. How was I supposed to worship and preach if I was doubting the very existence of God? I tried thinking of what God had done for me in the past, but nothing seemed able to encourage... until I came to a simple thought: it's all about Him! There was no specific context that made this phrase so comforting, yet I felt it bring me peace. Even in sickness and emptiness and depression, it's all about Jesus.

I made a conscious decision then to believe God, and that He would speak. I prayed for His presence to come in our worship, for without it we are hopeless, and meet in vain. I can't say I received a particular revelation or word from God that He would be there, and even the scriptures that I usually think of as regards His presence among worshipers seemed weightless. But I believed simply that He had to come-- not because we had done anything to deserve His presence, but because we needed it more than anything in the world. I prayed that God would lead us into worship, and that God would speak to His people.

I ended up being really late for when I was supposed to get there (an hour early), but we still managed to squeeze in a short practice before worship began. I felt much better during worship, and was able to play and preach, with that simple thought giving me strength: all of what we were doing-- worshiping, praying, hearing the Word, it was all about Him. My weaknesses or illnesses did not matter-- in fact, it was in my weakness that God's power was made perfect. Our worship and our service, whether it's easy or hard, or whether it's sloppy or perfect in man's eyes, are to an unshakably perfect God. He is why worship is a blessing, and He does not change according to anything in anyone. Our worship team is still kind of new and working out some kinks. I'm not the most eloquent speaker. We don't have all our ducks in a row (or anything close to it). But God is good, and He is why we worship.

I felt comforted and strengthened as I was giving the message, and I thank God that as terrible as I felt physically, that He still used me to speak. I started to feel worse afterwards, but that didn't really matter to me. I know now that it's in my weakness that God comes and works. So I will glory all the more in my (abundant) weakness, for it is all the more room for God to move.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

I feel so drained. I know there's a lot of things to deal with lately... but I felt I had a good morning of prayer today, and spent the majority of the day in a good mood. I began to feel more depressed as I spoke a lot of the things going on with a sister. Finding nothing to say to encourage either one of us, I decided we should pray. Can't say I felt much better afterwards. On top of that, I really just crashed when I came home. It's one thing to feel exhausted but refreshed spiritually. To simultaneously experience both physical exhaustion and spiritual barrenness is something else altogether. Yet I believe God is still urging me to move forward-- not because He is a slave driver who demands work done, but because He is a father who sees His child lingering , and knows there is an enemy prowling about like a roaring lion.

Oh God, it's difficult right now. There are so many doubts, and so many mountains.But Your word says that You are able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or even imagine. And I've asked up quite a shopping list. I wait on You to move.

Light pollution.

Anyone who lives in New York City will attest that it's extremely hard to see a good starlit sky at night. Needless to say, there's tons of artificial light that reduces the contrast between the darkness of the night and the stars. All of the light that people have created competes with that of the universe. Of course, if one objectively compared the feeble amount of light that we conjure up with the brilliance of the trillions of stars in the universe, there would be absolutely no contest: our light is as nothing. But it's closer. It helps us do what we need to do, and so we get by without the natural light by substituting it with our own. It's much duller, but if we had never sat under a fully lit starry night, we'd never know the difference, so we don't know what we're missing out on. Besides, our light is easier to control. We can adjust the intensity, turn it on and off when we like... we can't do that with natural light. Sure enough, the greater light rises in the day, and the lesser and its companions at night... but we cannot control nor adjust it to our convenience. Artificial light it is, then. In fact, there is sometimes so much artificial light, that there's something called skyglow, when a city seems to be glowing or emitting its own light. When did we grow so accustomed to the artificial light and forget that there's a vast expanse of lights out there, if only we'd take some time away to wait for our eyes to adjust?

It must truly be pitch black for the best views of the stars to be seen. How willing are you to get away from every source of artificial light you've depended upon? Sometimes we find artificial light; as in a street lamp. Other times, we create it, as with a light switch. Either way... there is something that cannot truly be seen until all sources of artificial light are left behind.

What would happen if we turn off all of our lights and douse our fires? What would happen if we stopped down and around and simply looked up...? We probably wouldn't see anything at first. But we know they're there; the stars don't go anywhere. They don't appear one night and then cease to exist until we see them again. Neither existence nor appearance is dependent on our actions.

Look and we'll see. Seek, and we'll find.