2 Corinthians 12:9

I woke up this Sunday morning feeling lousy. At first it was just nausea, but then I began to feel cold, and afterwards achy. It was a miserable time to feel sick, since I was going to play the guitar for worship and also preach. I sat down in my room in the darkness with the intention to pray, but I couldn't find the words; keeping myself from shivering and vomiting felt like enough of a task to focus on. All I could come up with to say was "God, help me." I felt incredibly empty and spiritually barren... I wondered if God were even real. How was I supposed to worship and preach if I was doubting the very existence of God? I tried thinking of what God had done for me in the past, but nothing seemed able to encourage... until I came to a simple thought: it's all about Him! There was no specific context that made this phrase so comforting, yet I felt it bring me peace. Even in sickness and emptiness and depression, it's all about Jesus.

I made a conscious decision then to believe God, and that He would speak. I prayed for His presence to come in our worship, for without it we are hopeless, and meet in vain. I can't say I received a particular revelation or word from God that He would be there, and even the scriptures that I usually think of as regards His presence among worshipers seemed weightless. But I believed simply that He had to come-- not because we had done anything to deserve His presence, but because we needed it more than anything in the world. I prayed that God would lead us into worship, and that God would speak to His people.

I ended up being really late for when I was supposed to get there (an hour early), but we still managed to squeeze in a short practice before worship began. I felt much better during worship, and was able to play and preach, with that simple thought giving me strength: all of what we were doing-- worshiping, praying, hearing the Word, it was all about Him. My weaknesses or illnesses did not matter-- in fact, it was in my weakness that God's power was made perfect. Our worship and our service, whether it's easy or hard, or whether it's sloppy or perfect in man's eyes, are to an unshakably perfect God. He is why worship is a blessing, and He does not change according to anything in anyone. Our worship team is still kind of new and working out some kinks. I'm not the most eloquent speaker. We don't have all our ducks in a row (or anything close to it). But God is good, and He is why we worship.

I felt comforted and strengthened as I was giving the message, and I thank God that as terrible as I felt physically, that He still used me to speak. I started to feel worse afterwards, but that didn't really matter to me. I know now that it's in my weakness that God comes and works. So I will glory all the more in my (abundant) weakness, for it is all the more room for God to move.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9