Obedience...?

It's ironic how I can pray for something so hard, and when I receive it, it ends up as something that I try at some level to push back or try to maneuver around.

I prayed today for a way to grow closer to God. As much as He's shown me in the past two months, as much change as He's brought to my life and as meaningful my life is now, it's not enough. I want more, I want to know Him more, and I want to love Him more. It may sound selfish, but I know that nothing is impossible for God, and that He will provide so long as I'm willing to seek earnestly, for the right reasons. I prayed that I might grow closer to Him, to know His ways and to follow them fully, and that He would show me whatever more I could surrender that I have not already. I also prayed that wherever I do not have the strength to lay something down, that He would take it from me, in knowing all of my iniquity and shortcoming. I know that God is a powerful and loving God, and He will provide in His own time, even if I would prefer if it were sooner.

Little did I know how soon it would actually be.

Later today, a sister in Christ actually shared with me something that she felt I should work on in my life. At first, I didn't think it was that big of a deal, what she was telling me about. But immediately I was reminded of the sermon today that I heard, that all sin and addictions are fueled by an illusion of control. I realized quickly how what she was telling me was actually God's answer to my prayer. I thought about how insignificant the surrender seemed at first, but then thought of how defensive I felt to doing it. How true is that? When you tell someone to cease a bad habit, they say, I can stop any time I want. When do they want to? We feel as if we are in so much control, and the more confident we feel of that control the more hopelessly we are trapped in what is quickly becoming an inescapable cycle of self destruction. But why do we need to stop them? What can possibly give us the strength to stop them?

The truth of the matter is, we have a purpose in life. If none of us had a purpose, then who cares? The individual can do whatever he thinks will bring him happiness, and no one has the right to tell him that it's actually tearing him apart. But that is not the case. Each and every single one of us has a purpose in life, and the acknowledgment of that purpose in itself is a step to overcoming. The mere fact that this purpose is much bigger and far beyond our existence is enough to show us that anything we might give up for its sake is expendable and ephemeral at best. Knowing this is part of the strength that Christ gives to those in whom He lives.

In the end, we all end up being obedient to something or other. So, then, what will it be? Will your standard of behavior be a neverending and inevitably self destructive cycle of things that will rot and fade away with time? Or will your actions conform to the righteousness and the Will of a God who knows your every thought, every notion of your inner heart and loves you in a way you can never understand in this lifetime?