Safety net

What do you do when you know that there's someOne there who holds all the power in the world; when you know that that same Person is always pushing for you? There is a Saviour... His Name is Jesus, and He will do what He said He will do. It doesn't seem like it will happen; there are so many promises, so many things spoken over my life, and none of them seem to be working out. If anything, it seems like I'm working backwards...and even what I thought I already had I'm losing... God said I'm going to have a ministry; He said I will operate in the gifts and power of the Holy Spirit; He said His favor is upon me; He said that I am clean, I am righteous, I am His child, subject and friend.... None of these things-- let me be clear, none of these things seem to my perception to be true. But I will believe that God is going to be faithful to His promises.

...And even if nothing else comes to fruition, I still have the one thing: that Jesus loves me dearly, beyond I can ever understand...; that there is a God in heaven who is always good, always faithful, always wanting me and making that way for me to be with Him.

I am loved by God, and no one can tell me otherwise. I can't offer works nor faithfulness, faith nor action...cleanliness nor contrition. I've failed and failed and failed... and all I can do now is accept the fact that God loves me still; relentlessly, irrationally, and unconditionally.

A mystery.

Every time I die to myself and come back to life, there is still work to be done. The whole point of being crucified to myself is that I do not come back to life. Yet still, I find myself making requests for me, considering me, focusing on me. What does it mean to die to myself? How do I go about daily life being crucified every moment to my own impulses and desires? I realize, in any event, that I focus on myself a lot. I subconsciously gauge the probability of a prayer being answered by the amount of prayer that I...well, pray. I'm sure it's important that I pray persistently, but... I don't believe my focus should be on what I'm contributing.

I have so much to learn...! I know that God is the one who acts and saves and delivers and heals. But still I live with the mentality that it's what I do that directly effects everything that goes on. As crucial as prayer is, my words are not what sets the captives free. Oh God that I would die already; that I would stop constantly looking inwards at what I'm doing to contribute, and instead cleave to You. When I look inwards and fret about my performance, I get worn out and discouraged. But I believe that when I finally get to fix my eyes on You, and begin spending all of my time praying with You instead of performing for You, that prayer will be unlocked. Then, I believe, prayer will become at once joyful service and profound intimacy for and with You.