Every time I die to myself and come back to life, there is still work to be done. The whole point of being crucified to myself is that I do not come back to life. Yet still, I find myself making requests for me, considering me, focusing on me. What does it mean to die to myself? How do I go about daily life being crucified every moment to my own impulses and desires? I realize, in any event, that I focus on myself a lot. I subconsciously gauge the probability of a prayer being answered by the amount of prayer that I...well, pray. I'm sure it's important that I pray persistently, but... I don't believe my focus should be on what I'm contributing.
I have so much to learn...! I know that God is the one who acts and saves and delivers and heals. But still I live with the mentality that it's what I do that directly effects everything that goes on. As crucial as prayer is, my words are not what sets the captives free. Oh God that I would die already; that I would stop constantly looking inwards at what I'm doing to contribute, and instead cleave to You. When I look inwards and fret about my performance, I get worn out and discouraged. But I believe that when I finally get to fix my eyes on You, and begin spending all of my time praying with You instead of performing for You, that prayer will be unlocked. Then, I believe, prayer will become at once joyful service and profound intimacy for and with You.
mmm....i think we're so hard on ourselves because we really see ourselves as much better than this and "should be able" to perform better. we set standards for ourselves which weigh us down in the end and keep us frustrated at the lack of progress. perhaps that is good because we'll finally come to the end of ourselves and simply cry out saying this can't possibly be done with any of our flesh involved. mr. hampton, you're not alone..not at all. :)
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