"Well done, good and faithful servant!"

Matthew 25: 21, 23

I really believe that it is not the man who has a perfect track record of ministry who will rejoice most profoundly at the sound of these words, but that it is the one who has had his fair share of failures as well. The man whose heart will truly leap with abounding joy when his Master approves of his work in ministry is the one who has faced humiliation and tests and failures and rock bottoms, and who knows that even his best service to God is good stewardship-- maybe a love offering at best.

And the awesome thing is that the Master's commendation does not waver or mitigate with the outcome! One servant yielded five talents of profit, the other two. Both are commended the same, because both gave everything they were given into service. It is unreserved devotion that will be recognized by God; indeed, God is the only one who can see and judge the heart for such commitment. Success in ministry-- whatever that means-- is a circumstantial byproduct that may vary. What must remain set apart to God is the heart.

Oh to hear those words on that day! To know that God sees clearly all of the times I've failed both outwardly and inwardly but saw through to a heart with which He is pleased. I hope and pray that God will shape and mold me so that that very heart will be found in me. For that God looks for something deeper is at once slightly relieving and deeply sobering; it means that I am held responsible for my heart-- something that is in my control (unlike, say, success in ministry) but is wicked above all things and all knowledge. It is my wellspring of life... have I guarded it?

If I need grace for one thing (besides salvation), it is this: to keep my heart and devotion set apart-- holy-- for God.

I've seen the topic of marriage come up sort of frequently lately. Now for someone of my age, I guess marriage is a little ways off-- even farther off if I take into consideration all I have to learn about life with God. I was thinking just now of the calling that every godly husband has to love his wife like Christ loves His church. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as if they were their ( the husbands') own bodies. For Christ loves His church, and the church is Christ's body. In light of this, no husband can ever lord it over his wife and cite Scripture on how wives are supposed to respect and submit to their husbands, for with all the weight of those passages, the directive for husbands to love their wives falls on the family as well. For every divinely commanded part of respect the wife is called to hold for her husband, there is an equal (if not greater, since, in this metaphor, husbands represent Christ) call for the man to love his wife.What a heavy thing I must ask myself when(/...if...?) I consider marriage: am I ready to love my prospective wife as Jesus loves His church-- painfully, sacrificially, irrationally, relentlessly, and unconditionally?

Of course, I will probably have no idea of how that will play out at the time. No, that lesson will most likely be a years long process that will entail trials and hardships... but the question still stands: am I ready? Am I ready to face those storms which are sure to come, and love my wife through them all? Am I ready to love and forgive and ask for forgiveness in the many times that I'm going to need to? Granted, the answers to these questions will probably be "no"... and if they are "yes," it's very likely either a dishonest or deluded answer =P But I should at least know what I'm getting myself into, and the things which I am asking God to teach me through whatever crucibles are necessary. The love that Jesus has for the Church is a radical one, and it is a reflection of that in which I am making a vow to partake.

More than simply "loving" one's wife as a vague sort of emotion, the role of a husband includes the attitude of servitude. Interestingly enough, the word "husband" also used to mean a peasant farmer. This led to the usage of "husbandry" as related to farming or gardening. I can imagine the connection between a gardener carefully looking after his plants and a husband charged with spiritually leading a household. The husband is a sort of spiritual leader, and all spiritual leaders begin in an attitude of servitude.

Yeah, I think it's gonna be a while before I get married =P

2 Corinthians 12:9

I woke up this Sunday morning feeling lousy. At first it was just nausea, but then I began to feel cold, and afterwards achy. It was a miserable time to feel sick, since I was going to play the guitar for worship and also preach. I sat down in my room in the darkness with the intention to pray, but I couldn't find the words; keeping myself from shivering and vomiting felt like enough of a task to focus on. All I could come up with to say was "God, help me." I felt incredibly empty and spiritually barren... I wondered if God were even real. How was I supposed to worship and preach if I was doubting the very existence of God? I tried thinking of what God had done for me in the past, but nothing seemed able to encourage... until I came to a simple thought: it's all about Him! There was no specific context that made this phrase so comforting, yet I felt it bring me peace. Even in sickness and emptiness and depression, it's all about Jesus.

I made a conscious decision then to believe God, and that He would speak. I prayed for His presence to come in our worship, for without it we are hopeless, and meet in vain. I can't say I received a particular revelation or word from God that He would be there, and even the scriptures that I usually think of as regards His presence among worshipers seemed weightless. But I believed simply that He had to come-- not because we had done anything to deserve His presence, but because we needed it more than anything in the world. I prayed that God would lead us into worship, and that God would speak to His people.

I ended up being really late for when I was supposed to get there (an hour early), but we still managed to squeeze in a short practice before worship began. I felt much better during worship, and was able to play and preach, with that simple thought giving me strength: all of what we were doing-- worshiping, praying, hearing the Word, it was all about Him. My weaknesses or illnesses did not matter-- in fact, it was in my weakness that God's power was made perfect. Our worship and our service, whether it's easy or hard, or whether it's sloppy or perfect in man's eyes, are to an unshakably perfect God. He is why worship is a blessing, and He does not change according to anything in anyone. Our worship team is still kind of new and working out some kinks. I'm not the most eloquent speaker. We don't have all our ducks in a row (or anything close to it). But God is good, and He is why we worship.

I felt comforted and strengthened as I was giving the message, and I thank God that as terrible as I felt physically, that He still used me to speak. I started to feel worse afterwards, but that didn't really matter to me. I know now that it's in my weakness that God comes and works. So I will glory all the more in my (abundant) weakness, for it is all the more room for God to move.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

I feel so drained. I know there's a lot of things to deal with lately... but I felt I had a good morning of prayer today, and spent the majority of the day in a good mood. I began to feel more depressed as I spoke a lot of the things going on with a sister. Finding nothing to say to encourage either one of us, I decided we should pray. Can't say I felt much better afterwards. On top of that, I really just crashed when I came home. It's one thing to feel exhausted but refreshed spiritually. To simultaneously experience both physical exhaustion and spiritual barrenness is something else altogether. Yet I believe God is still urging me to move forward-- not because He is a slave driver who demands work done, but because He is a father who sees His child lingering , and knows there is an enemy prowling about like a roaring lion.

Oh God, it's difficult right now. There are so many doubts, and so many mountains.But Your word says that You are able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that I can ask or even imagine. And I've asked up quite a shopping list. I wait on You to move.