Nowhere to go.

So I feel like I'm beginning to climb out of this incredibly deep trough. I know it may be a sort of a strange sentiment, but I'm not too crazy about it. I don't want to come out of that experience just to be restored to the status quo. If I'm going to be brought back up, then I want to be brought higher than where I was when I left off. If anything brought me through that fire to begin with, it would be lukewarm and compromising religion. Oh, God, enough! Enough of the vague impressions that I receive once in a while! Enough of the times that I get to share about you, only to find myself digging up things that I've only heard other people say! Enough of this secondhand religion!! God let me see You for Yourself! Let me experience Your miracles! If I'm going to be a Christian, let me be all the Christian I can be, because I know the world is empty and transient. My flesh kicks and screams and quite honestly does everything possible to resist You, but God I ask for Your Spirit to come do a work in me. No more of the abstract and distant teachings of God... train me to seek hard after Your face and Your life! God forbid that I return to the half-hearted Christianity that I lived before! I do want, Lord, to have a relationship with You; wherein I wake early in the morning to spend time with You; wherein I weep and pray and fast for the things in Your heart; wherein my attitude is aligned with Yours; wherein everything I do, I do according to Your will and in Your Name! Lord, You know my desire, yet You know how much I don't desire it as well. You know how easy it is for me to blow my time on TV and internet distractions; how easy it is for my thoughts to wander away from You, even while praying. You know how I sometimes run away from the prayer closet. Oh God, I want the relationship and the spiritual blessing, but I don't want to starve the flesh. I know I don't deserve it... but I ask for Your hand to change me.

Through the prophet Ezekiel, You spoke to a people who ran after everything but You. Lord, I am no better. I may have thought in the past I was, but I'm not. At the advent of an opportunity, I run after the world. Yet You promised to give Your people an undivided heart... a heart to serve and seek You and You alone. God I ask that You might follow through on Your promise right now. I don't mean to be melodramatic... but to an extent, I feel like I will die if I go on like this.

God... please... for an undivided heart of devotion to You. In the name of Jesus, that You would be my one and only desire.