Tired.

I'm really tired of blogging how I feel lately. Really, really tired. Every day seems to be getting worse. I am realizing how capable I am of sounding emo, but frankly, if I'm going to blog, I might as well blog what's on my mind, plain and simple.

I don't remember ever feeling this crappy since I've been saved. This summer, I've willingly wasted so much time on TV and internet. The past few days, I've given in to sexual temptation, too. I suppose I'm blogging about it just to remind myself in the future how it feels to have gradually stifled the spiritual desires and replaced them with worldly ones. There's a fire in me, but all it's screaming is "emptiness." I feel like there's turmoil raging inside me, but only to tell me that I'm empty. I feel there's an experientially unprecedented distance. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to pray. I don't want to read. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to do anything. Is this what it feels like to reach rock bottom? Is this where God swoops in, at my point of nothingness to fill me with everything?

I don't know. I don't want to go back to the world. It'll just be the same screaming emptiness, just that over time I'll begin to stifle it, and soon I won't notice. But I don't want to spend my lifetime doing things that I don't actually enjoy and aspiring to goals I don't actually have. Maybe it's God behind this feeling. Maybe that's what those characters in the Bible meant when they asked God to leave them alone; that the nagging of the Spirit would cease, and they could lead normal lives.

What would I ask God if He were here right now? God, what is going on? What is this feeling in me? How are You going to do everything you said? Why is this happening? What should I be doing? How should I be reacting? What are You thinking? How can I know You? Who are You? What do I do?

The last two questions are the two questions that Paul asked Jesus when he met the Other on the road to Damascus (see King James Version). I heard a pastor talk about how important these two questions are... and that throughout the rest of Paul's life, he continually asked these questions of the Lord: "Who are You, and what will You have me do?"

God, if You're going to do this...You have to do it all. I have no desire, no ability, no resources, no willpower... nothing. But Your Word and other people say that You knew this when You chose me, so now... come through.